i’ve long ago lost the ability to make a direct correlation between the food that i eat and my weight.  this is one of the things about which i’m quite proud.  my weight gain and loss and gain and loss are idealogical, environmental, emotional.

right now, i am a little shocked at how chunky i am.  of course, being the daughter of a constantly dieting mother, as i’m sure most women of this culture are, i will probably always see myself that way.  it is a struggle to not equate weight and worth as a woman.  even if you get the internal voice taken care of, society/media/advertising doesn’t let you slide for a second.

my extra weight that i’m carrying (don’t ask me how much.  i haven’t weighed myself in almost eight years.) is a symptom of something else.  of course, i didn’t start having a weight “problem” until i started dieting and it only got worse when i became a vegetarian at 18.  dieting led to a binge eating disorder (because i was fucking STARVING!).

just in case you’re thinking that if you just find the right diet, you’ll lost the weight, let me tell you two things:

1. diets make you fat

2. diets make you unhealthy

3.  diets make you crazy*

*a bonus thing, i’m feeling generous.

here’s the tweak, though.  diets externally imposed have this effect.

my body imposed a diet that people like to call a paleo/primal diet.  i eat grains or dairy and i’m sick.  i don’t and i’m not.  pretty easy.

i’ve been sick a lot and depressed quite a bit.  it is partially because i haven’t been eating well for my body, but it is also related to why i’ve gained weight.  my life has been crappy for the past 18 months.

i just really haven’t recovered from the twin shocks of the earthquake in haiti and my car accident.

another thing that i know for sure about my weight is that whenever it looms large in my consciousness as something to control, there is something else in my life that needs my attention.  right now, it is my health.

don’t confuse the two.  it’s easy to do.  we’ve been so uber conditioned to equate skinny to healthy and physical fitness as overall health.

health is a lot more than jean size.  you can be skinny and sick.  you can be capable of running a marathon but hate yourself.  you can be a size two and be dying of cancer.  you can lift 2x your body weight but like to torture kittens.  your weight is but a tiny, tiny diet sized sliver of the pie of health.