Archives for category: the gym

i allowed my gym membership to lapse.  yes, i did.  well, i have a membership at another, far less convenient gym that doesn’t have the things i like to do (pool, climbing wall) that i made the mistake of signing a contract with.  kids…say no to the gym contract.  it is harder to get out of than marriage.  trust me, i’d know.

anyhoo, the one gym that i was going to nearly every weekday is no longer receiving my money nor my funnily-clad presence.

it is a little panicky not to belong to a gym.  doesn’t every health conscious person worth their weight in seaweed wraps belong to a gym?  not this wild woman.

there are a couple contributing factors to this decision.  one, it is gorgeous outside.  i can be outside for a couple hours with no fear of losing toes, ears or nipples.  secondly, my workout partner (see below) has been so restless with nothing to do that we’ve had to resort to anti-anxiety medication.  he needs to run!  third, and i believe i’ve mentioned this, i hate the general gym environment.  faces drag, people religiously monitor their calories burned, no one is really having a good time.  even during zumba, there is a general lack of booty fun because the message of DANCE has been overshadowed by AEROBICS.

in celebration of my gymless self, i went for a hike.  in the woods.  near the river.  i literally went over the river and through the woods, people.  i slid down a hill.  i jumped from rock to rock over rushing water.  i ducked under low-lying branches.  i hopped over even lower-lying fallen trees.  i used the trunk of a fallen tree as a balancing beam over the water.  i scrambled up the hill.  the whole time i did this, my sense were on high alert.

i’ve heard the bears rummaging through my trash lately so i know they’re out.  i was aware of their existence.  the terrain went from deep humus to rushing snow-melt river to boulders to mossy  trail to gravel.  the light moved from full-on sun to dappled shade.  sometimes i had to take my sweater off because i was sweating and then i’d have to put it back on because i was cold.  i did all this wearing these and keeping a hold of him:

all three of my readers, i felt alive.  yes, my muscles were a little sore.  yes, i was out of breath.  these things happened in the gym, too.  but my whole being was present outside.  all of me got a workout, my mind, my senses, my muscles, my animal self…..i was wild.

this is reason 849 that i don’t like working out in gyms.  the machines are so weird.  today’s wins the cake for me.

i went in and since i try to do something a little differently every time i’m in there, i went to the one machine i’ve never tried.  it’s a bike thingy, officially called the recumbent exercise bike.  imagine gluing your lazy boy to pedals instead of a foot stool.  i programmed it for an eight minute random hill cycle.

people, i felt like a duck on a lake.

you’ve seen the little ducks just gliding along the water but you know, you KNOW, that underneath the water their little webbed feet are paddling as furiously to stay in place as donald trump’s comb over.

if someone would have taken a video of me from my waist up, you’d think i was chillin’ out, watching jersey shore (goddess forbid!).  in keeping with the spirit of the day, i almost felt rather queenly on a throne…but hips down…..madness, kids, madness.

all that was missing from the arm rests (ARM RESTS!!!!!) was a cup holder and some nachos and guac.  all that was missing for my legs was an after event sports massage.

talk about lack of body unity.  i didn’t know whether to take a little nap or break out the tiger balm.

after that incongruity, i moved on to the rest of my gym play.  i felt very machine-y so that’s what i stuck with today.  i moved on to the seated leg press, then the hamstring curl machine, then the standing leg curl machine, then the leg adductor machine.

i, robot.

speaking of robots, there’s this woman at the gym who is there before me and still going strong after i’m gone.  she’s either on the deadmill or stairstepper….for hours.  she does NOT look like she’s having a good time.  her faced is tied into a knot.  her eyes do not move from the screen that updates how many calories she’s burning.  s. a. d.  this is the opposite of being a wild one.

monday, i want to start getting into what it is to be wild.  tuesday, i’ll be getting into my specific goals….stick around.

i have not had a chance to post these past couple of days.  it’s been the nineties in my life lately.

i had to spend some time on my back, feeling closed in, listening to bad techno and wondering how my brain got me into another one of these situations.  i had to have an mri the other day (tuesday).

since a bad car accident happened over a year ago landing me with a bruised noggin,i’ve been getting bad headaches, have felt tired, nay, exhausted most days and feel that i’ve lost a rather large part of my personlity (mainly my sense of humor and desire to be around other humans).  that dragged on a little too long, so into the coffin like machine i was wheeled after a consultation with a neurologist.

because of my claustrophobia, (don’t analyze me) the nurse was kind enough to put a cloth over my eyes when she immobilized my head to slide me into the tight quarters.  because i taught yoga once upon a time, i knew how to breathe deeply and with purpose.  that and earplugs, combined with having been married to a guy who thought pulsating noise equaled music got me through the 45 minutes of 3-4 minute at a time scans.  that magnetic resonance imaging shit is LOUD.

the only thing that really affected me was when they slipped the dye into my prepared i.v. site.  it took me 5 seconds to want to vomit.  i had a little button to press when i felt distressed.  i SQUOZE it hard.  they pulled me out and the nurse offered up the trash can.  but, the nausea passed just as quickly as it started, and i was able to finish up the scans.

although nobody was very forthcoming about what that dye was exactly, they were happy to inform me that that reaction was incredibly rare.  great.

so, now, i wait (why does the medical community put you in a panic to get tests done but take their sweet molasses in january time getting the results back?) to hear about how scrambled my noodle is.

so, that’s where i’ve been.  no workouts and had to have comfort food last night to calm myself.  (oh, we’ll be talking about food and it’s many uses soon, kids!)

so….tomorrow we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming.

happy monday, my feral friends,

i have a confession to make.  i have an addiction.  (wow, surprise, right?)  like, if anyone knows me for five minutes or knows anything (anything) about my “romantic liasons” you knows that i have an addictive personality.  (really?  that guy?  for almost a year?  like…that guy?)  but, this one is becoming a health threat.

it’s a heavy monkey and my supplier even gives me a discount.  he even brings this stuff for me from another town.

criminal minds.

yep, not a description of me and the supplier, the t.v. show.  it’s sick.  i’m sick.  season three is where i currently am.  i don’t own a t.v. so i was a little late to this party.  i watched season three this weekend.  friday to be more exact.  well, friday/saturday.  it’s somewhere between 16 and 18 hours of blood gore and this guy.  although this guy has always been more my type, i’m addicted to this guy.  one more.  (told you i’m addicted.) thankfully, i get plenty of both on this show.

so, yesterday was spent trying to make up for my enormous sleep debt that this bloody binge accrued for me.

but, monday is my day of intensity at the gym.  intensity equals sprint cycles and heavy weights.  generally, i try not to do both on the same day.  i did both today.  and i almost puked.

because i hate the gym as a place to workout, it’s fun to just people watch. there’s a LOT of deadmill action with sad faces and skinny fat bodies.  i would rather be fat fat and skinny strong than skinny fat.  true story.  it’s something about the fluppy skin.

anyway, today’s workout (and please, please borrow it.  it’s a good one.  although you may want to split it into two days if you’re new to intensity as opposed to endurance, a.k.a. chronic cardio.

i set the cool stair master machine to do speed intervals every 30 seconds (and apparently the machine thought it was pretty cool itself.  it had quite the attitude.  on my easy cycles, it’s screen would go blank in a glaring sort of way, then light up with “stride faster” flashing with some impatience.  i got your faster right here, stair master.)  i also set the time for these intervals to 8 minutes max.

8 minutes?  i can almost hear the condescension from my deadmillin’ friends who regularly clock 30-45 minutes and feel saintly.  trust me, if you’re doing it right, you should not be able to last more than 8 minutes.

then, it was off to the weights.  but, not right away…i walked around in circles, gripping my sweat towel behind my head, willing myself not to pass out.

i did one set of five reps each: (new to weights?  rep is short for repetition and you count every time you do an exercise as a rep.  a set is how many cycles of reps you do.  so, if you do five push-ups, stop and do five more, you’ve done two sets of five reps of push-ups.)

squats (dear squats, i LOVE you.)

deadlifts (dear deadlifts, don’t tell squats, but i LOVE you, too)

barbell bent-over row (dear row….um……..coffee sometime?)

i did them at the heaviest weight i could handle.

i was done with my entire workout in fifteen minutes.

and i KNOW you have fifteen minutes.  you don’t need a step machine or barbells.

you can just go for a walk and cycle slow walking with super-fast walking and you can just do these weight movements with empty air or soup cans or rocks or fallen tree branches.

in other news, it’s warm enough for bare shoulders today!  which is beyond awesome.  yesterday, my son took us for a drive (he’s fifteen, we have to clock the hours!) and there were people sledding.  in the snow.  on april 24.  so, trust me, bare shoulders (particularly for a wild woman who hates clothes) is big news.

proof: